ZAMZAM COLA! JIHAD FOR THE TASTE OF IT! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 9 On this day in 1969, members of Charles Manson's "family" butcher Sharon Tate and four of her friends in Beverly Hills. The next day, Manson - upset with his underlings for their lack of killing style - orders his crew out on another raid "to show you how it's done." Charlie had forgotten one thing, however: his all-consuming cowardice. The trash-talking, acid-gobbling midget FREAK had to leave the room before his brain-fried followers slaughtered the victims Charlie, himself, had picked... the LaBianca family. Fuckin' hippies, man! On this day in 1999, Jennifer Paterson - the taller, uglier, manlier half of the blubbersome but lovable cooking duo the Two Fat Ladies - dies at the age of 71, which ain't too bad considering she smoked, drank, and ate to her heart's content every day of her hedonistic life. Disapointingly, Jennifer's longtime companion and co-host Clarissa has yet to respond to yer old pal Jerky's offer to step into her dearly departed chum's empty shoes. I could have made you so happy, Clarissa... (sigh) August 10 RED HOT TELEGRAPH SEX!!! August 10 On this day in the year 1866, the Transatlantic Telegraph Cable - one of mankind's greatest technological triumphs - is finally completed. Once he's announced this milestone to the American people, president James Buchanan proceeds to spend the rest of the day masturbating furiously while engaging in "morse-code-sex" with Queen Victoria. On this day in 1948, Allen Funt's Candid Camera TV show debuts on ABC. Chaos ensues. August 11 Open-shirted dandelion-eaters the world over rejoice on this day in 1966 when Chevy introduces the Camaro, a sporty six-cylinder coupe which instantly assumes the title of Ultimate Gino Machine. The UGM would find its final evolutionary expression in the Iroc-Z, which, depending on your point of view, was either the zenith or the nadir of the UGM sub-species. On this day in 1984, Carl Lewis duplicates Jesse Owens' 1936 feat, by winning 4 Olympic track gold medals. Which you gotta admit was pretty amazing for Grampa Munster to do at such an advanced age as he was at the time.

THE PRESIDENT SAID IT! "The direction in which our nation is being led is deeply troubling to me -- not only in Iraq but also here at home on economic policy, social policy and environmental policy. Millions of Americans now share a feeling that something pretty basic has gone wrong in our country and that some important American values are being placed at risk. And they want to set it right." "Instead of creating jobs, we are losing millions of jobs -- net losses for three years in a row. That hasn't happened since the Great Depression. As I've noted before, I was the first one laid off." "In truth, the current Executive Branch of the U.S. Government is radically different from any since the McKinley Administration 100 years ago. ... It seems obvious that big and important issues like the Bush economic policy and the first Pre-emptive War in U.S. history should have been debated more thoroughly in the Congress, covered more extensively in the news media, and better presented to the American people before our nation made such fateful choices. But that didn't happen, and in both cases, reality is turning out to be very different from the impression that was given when the votes -- and the die -- were cast." "Here is the pattern that I see: the President's mishandling of and selective use of the best evidence available on the threat posed by Iraq is pretty much the same as the way he intentionally distorted the best available evidence on climate change, and rejected the best available evidence on the threat posed to America's economy by his tax and budget proposals. In each case, the President seems to have been pursuing policies chosen in advance of the facts -- policies designed to benefit friends and supporters -- and has used tactics that deprived the American people of any opportunity to effectively subject his arguments to the kind of informed scrutiny that is essential in our system of checks and balances. The administration has developed a highly effective propaganda machine to imbed in the public mind mythologies that grow out of the one central doctrine that all of the special interests agree on, which -- in its purest form -- is that government is very bad and should be done away with as much as possible -- except the parts of it that redirect money through big contracts to industries that have won their way into the inner circle." "Whatever the reasons for the recent failures to hold the President properly accountable, America has a compelling need to quickly breathe new life into our founders' system of checks and balances -- because some extremely important choices about our future are going to be made shortly, and it is imperative that we avoid basing them on more false impressions." "This President has claimed the right for his executive branch to send his assistants into every public library in America and secretly monitor what the rest of us are reading. That's been the law ever since the Patriot Act was enacted. If we have to put up with such a broad and extreme invasion of our privacy rights in the name of terrorism prevention, surely he can find a way to let this National Commission know how he and his staff handled a highly specific warning of terrorism just 36 days before 9/11." "And speaking of the Patriot Act, the president ought to reign in John Ashcroft and stop the gross abuses of civil rights that twice have been documented by his own Inspector General. And while he's at it, he needs to reign in Donald Rumsfeld and get rid of that DoD Total Information Awareness program that's right out of George Orwell's 1984." "As for honor and integrity, let me say this: we know what that was all about, but hear me well, not as a candidate for any office, but as an American citizen who loves my country: For eight years, the Clinton-Gore Administration gave this nation honest budget numbers; an economic plan with integrity that rescued the nation from debt and stagnation; honest advocacy for the environment; real compassion for the poor; a strengthening of our military -- as recently proven -- and a foreign policy whose purposes were elevated, candidly presented and courageously pursued, in the face of scorched-earth tactics by the opposition. That is also a form of honor and integrity, and not every administration in recent memory has displayed it." - Now that he has confirmed he isn't running for President, thus freeing him from having to bash his fellow Democrats for a year, Al Gore is free to be as big a thorn in Dubya's side as he feels is necessary. His latest speech - an inspired, robust jeremiad delivered at New York University - is an inspiring case in point. Read it here, or watch it, here.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal LorDemon. A man was riding along on a horse one evening when he noticed something shiny half burried in the dirt. When he pulled it out, it turned out to be a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. t told him that is would grant him 3 wishes. He couldn't believe that any of this was actually happening but made his wishes anyway. First he wished for a million dollars. Then he wished that his house would be turned into a mansion. Finally, he wished to hang like the horse he was riding. The genie said "granted" and disappeared. The man went home and discovered that his house was indeed a mansion. His wife then walked up to him and told him that she found an envelope with a million dollars on the doorstep. The man then walked into the bathroom to relieve himself, looked down, and said "Crap! I forgot I was riding Old Betsy!!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Henry Bent for sending in today's second joke. Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates. The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Although it might be funny if you're from old Blighty, today's worst joke was sent in by John Kinch. Paddy the Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot." So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there's a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the Paddy's bottom ... and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks Paddy. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another ... until finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Hi... I want your advice on something. I am 26 and a pretty good looking girl I think or that is what everybody tells me. I have slept around some and have gotten a bad reputation because of it. What makes me super mad is how guys can do the same or much more and they are known as being 'studs' - while girls of course gets reps as 'Sluts.' This makes me sick. Especialy that other girls are the ones who come down on me the worse. Why is it like this? (I want to know!) Signed: deeanne... Dear deeanne: Basically, other women see you as a threat to their security. By having sex whenever and with whomever you please, you're taking away their single greatest tool in the quest to bag a husband: PUSSY LEVERAGE. The laws of supply and demand apply to the world of relationships, just as they do to the world of economics. In effect, you and others like you are creating a PUSSY GLUT. And when there is a PUSSY SURPLUSS on the market, it makes for a lackluster buyer's game, if you get my drift. I'm not saying your friends are right to think this way... I'm just telling you why they hate your guts.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE NEXT WAVE Care of: Mark Dear Jerky, Well the writing is on the wall as far as a U.S. war in the Middle East is concerned. And I’m not talking about the silly nonsense coming from Bush about Iraq. I’m talking about a more important issue that cuts to the very essence of U.S. national interests. Earlier this year, Iran started to produce Zamzam cola as a competitor alternate to Pepsi and Coke. This is part of a larger Middle Eastern program to boycott U.S. goods. Iran successfully exported Zamzam to Iraq, Pakistan, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia. In one week alone this past August, Saudis imported four million one-liter bottles and demand was so high it ordered several million more (and they only have about 23.5 million people). A Saudi company even asked the Iranian producer for permission to set up a bottling factory in Saudi Arabia and another factory is being planned for Bahrain while Iran upgrades and expands its existing plants. Where will this all lead to? Next they’ll be attacking Disney with Baghdad Beetle vs. Mickey Mouse, Yemeni Fried Camel vs. Kentucky Fried Chicken ("Fried camel legs have much more meat than your scrawny fried chicken legs," will be their sales pitch), and Saudi beheadings will be aired opposite the Survivor program (the voting would be much more interesting wouldn’t it?!). Yes, I can see the future and it doesn’t look good. - Mark [I dunno. I could sure go for some Yemeni Fried Camel right now. I'd even eat the toe! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com