A TRIUMVIRATE OF TRAITORS! By any honest measure, even the most fervent of Bush cultists would have to admit it's been a rough week for the White House. It began with the increase in bipartisan skepticism about the claim -- as implied by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales before the Senate Intelligence Committee -- that the pre-Iraq "use of force" resolution (not to mention the USAPATRIOTACT and the "unitary executive" constitutional philosophy to which this administration desperately cleaves) granted the Executive Branch unchecked authority to do pretty much whatever the fuck it feels like doing, thank you very much. With the ostensibly co-equal Congress understandably nonplussed about being dismissed as a legislative afterthought, Bush and company have been forced to take defensive maneuvers, such as taking their weak-ass arguments directly to "the people" (hand picked audiences, as usual), and stonewalling Senate investigators in the lead-up to the wiretap hearings scheduled for next month. In the midst of all this, grossly unqualified Bush crony George Deutsch was forced to resign from NASA public affairs after it was revealed that the presidential appointee's already unimpressive résumé was fattened up with falsehoods. Deutsch -- a 24-year-old Texas Aggie whose greatest accomplishment prior to scoring his plum gig was that he'd written a number of pro-Bush columns for his student newspaper -- spent most of his time at NASA silencing climate experts, preventing non-born-again scientists from being interviewed on NPR, and unilaterally altering scientific reports to give them a more "fundamentalist-friendly" tilt. Does this signal the beginning of the end for the Bush administration's War Against Science? Probably not, but they can't be too happy about this very public humiliation underlining one of this administration's weakest points: the fact that it's brimming with unqualified hacks. But the above all pales in comparison to the about-face triple-play by three former White House co-conspirators who, now that they're cornered and facing serious consequences for their actions, aren't quite ready to go down quietly. Whether they're angling for a pardon or trying to scare the Powers That Be into interfering with the umpires, it's an interesting spectacle. Let's break down all three incidents, shall we? *** **** *** IRVING "SCOOTER" LEWIS LIBBY Position: Former Chief of Staff and assistant for National Security Affairs to U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney and senior advisor to Preznit Dubya. Alleged Crimes: Revealing the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame as payback for her husband exposing bogus White House claims about Iraq purchasing yellowcake uranium from Niger; attempting to cover up said leak. Comeuppance: Indicted on one count of obstruction of justice, two counts of perjury and two counts of making false statements by a grand jury. Turncoat Moment: According to inside sources, Libby has informed prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald that he will be basing his defense on the claim that Cheney had encouraged him to share Plame's identity with reporters. How he will be dealt with: Will be invited to tag along on Big Dick Cheney's next hunting trip. *** **** *** JACK "JACKOFF" ABRAMOFF Position: Ethics-free Republican super-lobbyist and conservative activist extraordinaire; prime mover in the K-Street Project. Alleged Crimes: Too numerous to mention, but he's already plead guilty to three criminal felony counts in federal court related to the defrauding of Native American tribes. Comeuppance: Investigations into Abramoff's influence peddling and countless other crimes -- including possible involvement in the gangland murder of a casino boat rival and human trafficking in the American protectorate of Saipan -- are ongoing. Turncoat Moment: Told a journalist that, contrary to the White House's assertions, he had excellent relations with Preznit Dubya. How he will be dealt with: Will be dropped off on a remote Indian reservation wearing an Atlanta Braves uniform. *** **** *** MICHAEL "BROWNIE" BROWN Position: Bush crony via connections to Joe Allbaugh; tragically unqualified head of FEMA. Alleged Crime: Being a really shitty head of FEMA at a time when that was a really shitty thing to be. Comeuppance: Exposed before all the world as a really shitty head of FEMA. Turncoat Moment: Recently told the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee that the DHS have been lying to government investigators about when they were informed of levee failures, among other things. How he will be dealt with: Will be offered up as the ultimate scapegoat for the myriad federal failures during Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 10 On this day in 1933, Nazi front-man Adolf Fuckin' Hitler proclaims the death of Marxism. Soon, Uncle Joe's ruthless Rooskies would be making the little sour kraut eat his words. On this day in 1978, Frank Carlucci becomes deputy director of the CIA. In the years that followed, it became clear that he was one of Poppy's boyz. On this day in 1990, Buster Douglas KOs Mike Tyson in 10 to become heavyweight boxing champion. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't care what anybody says, that was one of the greatest heavyweight fights of all fucking time. February 11 On this day in 1531, Henry VIII is recognized as "Supreme Head" of the Church of England after he jerry-rigs his crown and scepter into a wicked-ass bong. On this day in 1858, the Virgin Mary makes her first appearance before 14-year-old Bernadette of Lourdes, in France. Her message to the world? "Don't drink the water!" On this day in 1942, Archie and his gang make their comic book debut. In their first adventure, Betty and Veronica vie for Archie's affections, Jughead eats a lot, and Reggie hatches an unsuccessful scheme. In other words, the publishers of Archie Comics have been reprinting the same fucking story over and over again for over half a century. February 12 On this day in 1839, a border dispute between the state of Maine and the Canadian province of New Brunswick leads to the Aroostook Bloodless War, a "battle" during which no one is seriously hurt, and nothing is settled. Ultimately, the borders were decided by a toss of the dice. Don't laugh! This kind of thing is exactly what made Donald Trump the man he is today... in other words, an asshole! On this day in the year 1709, Scottish seaman Alexander Selkirk is rescued from Fernandez Island after spending more than four years stranded there, fending for himself in the deserted tropical paradise. His suffering was not in vain, however, as his harrowing tale of survival was the inspiration for a great literary classic: Castaway, starring Tom Hanks! This day in 1909 sees the founding of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, more popularly known as the NAACP. At the time, white folks reacted negatively to the idea. "What if we started up a National Association for the Advancement of WHITE People?! Hunh?! How would they like THAT?!" Pointing out that the NAACP wouldn't need to exist if it weren't for blacks being essentially shut out of "polite society" didn't seem to help them understand the need for such an organization. And pointing out that white folks were welcome to join elicited nothing but total synaptic shut-down.

THEY SAID IT! "We can't think of a president who has gone to the American people more often than George W. Bush has to ask them to forget about things like democracy, judicial process and the balance of powers — and just trust him. We also can't think of a president who has deserved that trust less." - Dare we allow ourselves to dream that the testicular heft of the New York Times editorial board will continue to accrue? *** **** *** "Oh yes! Oh yes! You're gonna get it. Yes, naughty little boys! You little fuckers, you little fuckers. DIE! Ha, ha!" - Yer old pal Jerky can't figure out which disturbs him more; the droog-like sadism of the Brit soldiers who were caught on video dragging a hapless Iraqi teen behind the walls of Abu Ghraib and kicking the shit out of him, or the reappearance of that fucking white plastic chair.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Andy S! A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy, "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Colecovision for sending in today's second joke. A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Sanchez... Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: OFFICIAL RULES OF THE MEN'S ROOM care of: Jon S. On proper entry: 1. Upon entering the Men's Room eye-contact is permissible so long as it is the kind of cold stare exchanged between opposed gunfighters at high noon. Tactical visual sweeping of the room is acceptable and will be tolerated; all real men understand that if an ass-kicking must be laid down, it is better to have evaluated the opponent before hand. 2. Running into friends is just grounds for verbal communication, but the wise individual limits this exchange to some variant of "hey dude" or "t'sup?" A simple nod of recognition is the preferred mode of exchange. Under no circumstances is one to attempt striking up a conversation with a stranger. On urinal and stall selection: 1. Selection of a urinal is a simple matter; take the one that is farthest from any others in use. In instances where there are only three urinals total but none are currently in use, it is common courtesy to choose one of the outside urinals. Choosing the middle urinal in such instances is not only rude, it is fair grounds for assessing the character of the user as somewhat suspect. 2. In instances where available urinal count is not sufficient to allow a buffer, take a stall. If all stalls are occupied, then and only then is it acceptable to go shoulder to shoulder. 3. Stall selection is even easier; if it has a door, a roll of paper, and no glory hole in the sidewall, it's a good stall. Spacing is unimportant in this instance as the sidewalls provide the requisite visual barrier. 4. In instances where a sidewall is found to contain a glory hole, choose another stall. If all the sidewalls have glory holes, you are in the wrong place and should therefore make haste to endeavor to find some other restroom. In such instances, it is probably a safe wager there will be no women using the Ladies' Room and, therefore, it is an acceptable option. On conversation: 1. Cross-stall conversation is acceptable but should be limited to requests for paper, the time, and courtesy flushes. 2. The blanket rule of the urinal is "Mouth shut, eyes forward." Trans-urinal conversation is acceptable provided that there is buffer space and participants are old friends or business partners; all instances of conversation of this type should still be conducted with eyes forward. Shoulder to shoulder conversation is absolutely forbidden unless it is on business strategy. On leaving: Do not linger waiting for friends, do not make eye-contact unless it is with individuals entering the room; wash your goddamned hands and get the fuck out. [Thanks, Jon! It's good to know how to avoid having a "Brokeback Restroom" experience. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky, Just wanted to echo Vicky D's comments. It would be a sad day if you pulled the plug on what is the most erudite site that I read. Your writer's block edition filled me with bemusement, then trepidition and, finally, real alarm. P-L-E-A-S-E don't hang up your spurs. We need you, my man. I'm staring 72 in the face (the fucker is real ugly, too) and would hate to lose your wit and perspective at this point in my life. Hang in there! Speaking of 72, I laughed out loud at the reader's paen to advancing age. What a load of crap! There is nothing about aging that is beneficial. Experience? Sure. But of little use if you are unable to sustain the energy to utilize it. All the rest of his rant was merely blowing smoke! While I wouldn't aspire to be 16 again (a terrible time in anyone's life) I would love to relive my 40's. A 48 hour work week in heavy construction, partying 3 nights a week, more sex than I could handle and I got to live in Alaska! Not bad for a one-armed dude in a world FULL of two-armed freaks! Stay loose, my friend, stay loose. Yours, for more of everything... The Mauimaven [You know I loves ya, MM, but when are you gonna send me some of that Maui Wowie, like you promised?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear MOPJ, Dude, I have no doubt that you bust your fat ass (it’s a full-time job) just trying to keep up with all this madness. I also have no doubt that over time you have learned which sources are most trustworthy and which are not trustworthy at all. And I have no doubt about your superior level of astuteness. So, please, listen to me. If you believe in nothing else, damn it, believe in yourself. I know that I do and many thousands of other loyal dirt readers do so as well. So damn it, snap out of it already and get back to work keeping us informed. Sincerely, Your old pal T (P.S. I originally wrote you a 3 page response chronicling some of the major lies that I have personally investigated/caught the gov’t and the mass-media engaging in. But after reading it, I realized it was too boring. Hey, cut me some slack, I have writers block!) [Thanks T. If you still have a copy of your 3-pager, please send it along. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; This cartoon is pretty accurate, actually. Jack Frost [Indeed. It's a great one. Click it, people! - Jerky] *** **** *** For shame, Jerks! You given the Props to Prince for his weeping gee-tar?... and Ignore my plea to bestow THIS GUY to yer fans?!! Wally [But... it's a ukelele! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerka, Any thoughts on this? Leo [Yeah. I think it's mostly right. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, If you havn't already seen it, I thought you might like to read this article by Mike Whitney. It puts all the many shity things we all have been complaining about that the asshole Repubs have been doing for years, into the idea that it's all really part of a master plan. I makes complete sense - question, whose master plan? It can't be Bush's, he's only an idiot alcoholic school bully turned president that's the tool to make it happen. Any ideas? V [Lots of ideas. None verifiable. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Can you imagine the scene if someone put pharmaceutical grade LSD into the Whitehouse food chain? Dale H. [I don't think it'd make much of a difference, to tell you the truth. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com