KEN LAY BITES THE HEART ATTACK PILL A SHOWER OF SPIDERS Late last night, as I lay on my musty futon, staring at the ceiling, attempting to summon up the necessary gumption to push my lard-shrouded carcass from the floor and turn off the light so I could settle down for my habitual eight-hour session of soul-shattering nightmares, my attention was drawn to a curious procession of nearly imperceptible dots marching mechanically across the bedroom ceiling. After lumbering painfully to my feet and straightening myself out, I craned my neck, squinted, and took a closer look. With mounting revulsion, I realized that the ceiling was carpeted with tiny, crawling, translucent spider-babies, no doubt recently hatched in one of Chateau LeBoeuf's many dank, dark, unexplored corners. There were dozens, perhaps hundreds of them, many meandering aimlessly as newborn spiders tend to do, but most circling the ornate, convex light fixture that provides the sole source of illumination in yer old pal Jerky's sanctum sanctorum. A few prodigies were testing their silk, repelling floorward on invisible youngling strands. As my head began to fill with visions of spiders dropping onto my slumbering shape -- crawling up my nose, into my mouth, becoming entangled in my hair, et cetera -- stupefied revulsion gave way to white hot fury. I snatched up a cigarette lighter from my computer desk, adjusted for maximum flame, and dispatched a half dozen of these brazen creepy-crawlies from this mortal coil. I noted with no small satisfaction that they boiled away like tiny flakes of candle wax, instantly disintegrating into puffs of smoke. Before the night was through, dozens more met their maker at the business end of a damp paper towel. I allowed a handful to survive because their wanderings had inconveniently positioned them where killing them would have required moving furniture, but I rationalized their presence as a worthy safeguard against flies, and eventually settled into an uneasy slumber. When I awoke the next morning (afternoon, really), I fired up my computer and learned that Kenneth Lay, ex-CEO of Enron, recently found guilty and awaiting sentencing for bilking employees and shareholders out of billions in an elaborate ponzi scheme, had succumbed to a "massive heart attack" at a posh Colorado retreat. Judging from your e-mails, my initial reaction to this news of yet another inordinately convenient tying up of a loose end was pretty much the same as yours, that being: "Let the conspiracy theories begin!" Yes, in Interesting Times such as these, it takes a steely mental discipline not to immediately succumb to the paranoid reflex. Lay had to know, for instance, that a presidential pardon was politically impossible. Was he, in preparing for his pending appeal, perhaps getting so desperate to avoid spending the rest of his heretofore luxurious life in jail that he would willingly spill the beans on his criminal cohorts in the White House? Insist that he was only "following orders"? Provide the court with whatever unshredded Energy Taskforce documents remain in existence to prove such? And, if so, did The Powers That Be catch wind of, then put a stop to, his plans? Or did Kenny-boy, with a little help from his friends in high places, arrange to be Elvised to a well-appointed piece of Costa Rican real-estate where he might live out the rest of his natural life in the kind of splendiferous ease and comfort to which he had grown accustomed, while some unlucky look-alike provides a feast for worms in his soon-to-be-alleged grave? In the end, does it even matter? Until recently, yer old pal Jerky would have answered that question with an unqualified "of COURSE it matters!" But does it really? Does any of it matter? The White House attempt to revoke the First Amendment in the case of unfriendly media… does that matter? The fact that the average Iraqi is worse off today than he was under Saddam "Hitler" Hussein's reign, that the soldiers who were so cavalierly dropped into that hopeless morass by a gluttonous herd of degenerate profiteering swine are turning feral as the months and years tick by, and who even now are being used and abused as propaganda props for reasons both electoral and otherwise… do these things matter? Or, perhaps more to the point, does it matter whether or not we believe they matter? I'm beginning to think, especially in regards to that last part, that it doesn't. I'm beginning to think that maybe this sorry state of affairs is irreversible, and that some sort of Great Reckoning is inevitable, hard-wired into our collective DNA. Pardon my Spenglerian musings, here, but perhaps what we are experiencing is nothing less than the endgame of liberal democracy. Perhaps even the poisoning of democracy, itself -- apparent to anyone willing to open their fucking eyes -- is a part of that unavoidable destiny. Perhaps we are reaping the whirlwind, living the prophecy scratched upon the seed. And perhaps Ken Lay is just another spider, dropping from the ceiling of history into the cleansing flame of oblivion. Perhaps we all are. Perhaps. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY (ALL NEW!) July 5 On this day in 1811, Venezuela becomes the first South American country to declare independence from Spain. Always the trouble-makers, aren't they? On this day in 1830, France invades Algeria, and they all live happily ever after! Well... at least until this day in 1962 when, after years of bloody revolt, Algeria gains its independent from France. Huzzah! On this day in 1865, some Jesus-freak by the name of William Booth founds The Christian Mission, which would later be renamed The Salvation Army. They may eventually come to regret that name-change, as rumor has it that Preznit Dubya is considering the possibility of deploying these bell-ringing pan-handlers to Iraq. On this day in 1975, tennis player Arthur Ashe becomes the first -- and last -- black man to win the Wimbledon singles title. He then went on to die of AIDS. Coincidence? Pfeh! Don't make me laugh. On this day in 1989, seventeen years ago, the sitcom Seinfeld airs its first episode on NBC. All together now: "WHAT?!?!"

THEY SAID IT! "People ask me all the time, What do you learn about happiness? What's the secret to happiness? The answer is simple: Low expectations." - USC professor Richard Easterlin isn't trying to be funny, here. *** **** *** "Nowadays, you have kids eating so much junk food that they're overweight and they're trying to fit into junior sizes. They don't want to go to bigger sizes. But junior sizes are for, like, tall, thin girls. So you have girls wearing tight jeans and you see their love handles sticking out 'cause they want to fit into the tight pants that are in style." - Luisana Sanchez talks about the visual pollution created when the Sausage Casing Girls let it all hang out.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it's a matter of life or death!" "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home!" "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal R. Sallam for sending in today's second joke. The secretary went in to her boss one morning and announced: "I've found a new position." And the boss answered: "Good! Pull down the shades." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Albert V... There was this frustrated city worker who had little satisfaction in his job, his marriage, his friendships, everything. No matter what he did, no matter how he tried, he could not please anyone to their satisfaction. One day he decided he needed to just drop everything and figure out what was wrong, what the secret of a good life really was. So he quit his job, packed his bags and got on a plane to India. When he got off the plane he started wandering the streets of Delhi, asking who was the wisest man in India, and who could tell him the true secret of a happy and satisfying life. Eventually he was steered to a remote village two hundred miles away. He rode an uncomfortable bus on terrible dirt roads up into the hills for two days. When he arrived at the end of the road, he was told that he would have to walk a long trail leading up high into the mountains and that it would take four days travel. So the man packed food and water and walked for four days up steep rocky paths. Eventually he came to a little hut and found an old couple. They said that the wise guru lived further up nearer the top of the steep mountain, and near the top he would find a cave and the wise guru who would supply him with the answer and the secret to happiness. The city man slept over another night in the hut, then the next morning took off on the final leg of his journey. The final path up was very difficult and many times he nearly fell off a ledge down into a valley far below. At long last he found the mouth of the cave. He yelled "Anyone there?", and gingerly explored the cave. About fifty yards inside he found the old sage sitting on a bare rock. The sage had nothing but a loin cloth on, had tangled hair, and a two foot long beard. But he had a look of the most supreme peace and serenity on his face. The city man crawled on his knees and bowed at the sage's feet and asked him, "Wise master, I have had a disappointing life, and have constantly struggled with my marriage, my job, my friends. I have traveled thousands of miles to learn the secret of a good life and the secret of happiness- please share the wisdom you have learned so that I may also enjoy the peace and serenity you have." The wise old sage seemed to read the man like a book, delving far into the man's consciousness, experience, and state of mind. He replied, "My son, the secret to a good life and happiness is simple. The secret is simply to agree with everyone, and with whatever they say to you." The city man's eyes widened in shock and he stood up, astonished. "THIS is what you tell me the secret of life is?!? I've spent my whole life trying to make everyone happy, I've always avoided argument and conflict, and it's brought me nothing but dissatisfaction, misery, and nobody ever has any respect for me! You're crazy! That's not the secret of happiness--- it doesn't work! You don't know what you're talking about!!" The old sage sheepishly nodded his head in agreement, "Okay, okay. You're right," he said. "That's not really the secret."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: SOME THINGS THE POLICE WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW care of: PD63664 1. When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and Stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left. 2. When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 5 mph under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please. 3. If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle or highway cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds. 4. When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain. 5. If you think you can fan all the pot smoke out of the car before we smell it, good luck. 6. We know you've had more than 2 beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars or drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pissed my pants, or passed out at a traffic light. 7. Here's how to get out of a ticket. don't break the law. 8. If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over. Duct tape doesn't always work on everything. 9. If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with "what seems to be the problem, officer". 10. We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them. 11. When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model numbers and the serial numbers of the stuff that was taken. 12. If it's nighttime and you 're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin color. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window's rolled down. 13. Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman. 14. Yes it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other Cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either. However, just because they wear a uniform DOES NOT mean they are above the law. 15. If your local police agency has a helicopter everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 15-20 patrol officers, and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down. 16. Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police. 17. If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer for a uniformed parent. Police work is... writing reports. 18. If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see a K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20. 19. In 1 year of patrol work in a large city only about 10 minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show COPS. But if COPS was about report writing and accident reports each show would be a year long. 20. Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time. 21. If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation. 22. Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here, press hard, there are five copies. 23. It's probably not a good thing to jump out of your car once pulled over by the police. Wait until he askes you. You probably won't see down the barrel of their gun that way. 24. Don't ask a Police Officer what kind of gun he/she carries. It's real and that's all you need to know... because it won't matter if it's a 9mm .38 .40 .45 .357 it will hurt... 25. When you pick up your 15 year old kid from the station for driving a stolen car at 2:00 am, smoking weed, smashing mailboxes or fucking in the parking lot, don't argue with the officer and ask if we had probable cause. Yeah, the parent being an asshole and not parenting you kid... take your kid home and beat their ass. That works better. 26. If you get locked up and don't give the police your name... we'll book you under John or Jane Doe. And then you'll get lost in the system for a week or so. And then we'll figure out your real name. And charge you again. 27. You can have my name and badge number, see me in court, go ahead call your lawyer... you're an idiot and it's not a crime for hurting your feelings. Your lawyer probably already thinks you're an idiot. But he will take your money. Every time you call. 28. If you have a radar detector on your dashboard, that was your break... so don't ask... and don't try to hide it, we can see that too. 29. If you know the Chief, Sheriff, or Mayor that's great... chances are, Um, we know them also. 30. Arguing, calling us A*sholes and Mother F*ckers won't make the ticket go away... Chances are the dashcam is picking up your actions and picked up your violation... So, go back to 27 and I'll see you in court. 31. When a police officer has another car pulled over, try not to pass the police car at Mach One... chances are another police car is near by with it's light off and getting you on radar. 32. Police Officer don't always run radar on the side of the road... sometimes we are waiting for that bank robber's car coming down the road, so when you flash him your headlights to warn about the police ahead... and he makes that U-turn... we want to say thanks. ["Waaaaaaah! Us coppers really got it tough! Nobody understands how tough us coppers got it! Waaaaaah!" - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! mopj, I don't have a crytsal ball or a deck of tarot cards but I could have told you last week that the space shuttle wasn't going to launch until July 4, its only american to send some brave souls into space on the greatest of all american holidays. Bushco is turning into cheerleaders for the next general election and what better way to drum up support for the right wing than to pull something like this off while everone is watching, but I think it would be wise to keep an eye behind the scene, nahh in haliburton we trust! later sn1per44 [Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Thanks for that little slice of Zappania, MOP. (”Tax the churches! Tax the businesses owned by the churches!”) I remember seeing Frank say that live on MTV on Halloween of when? 1981? ’82? That particular performance was later reissued on “You Can’t Do That On Stage Anymore vol 1”. (sigh) Had Zappa only lived to see these interesting times, his BS-O-meter would surely be spinning like the propeller of a P-51 Mustang. C. Chipp [Yup. Halloween '81. His performance that night got him banned from MTV for life. Gotta respect that! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ -- Is this what Smirky McChimpface means when he talks about exporting democracy to other countries? Mexico is the new Florida! Wooo-hooo!!! YOPJack [Thanks to an "activist" media that actively seeks to expose criminal behavior by The Powers That Be, things seem to be turning around down Mexico way. Let's keep our fingers crossed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Howdy Jerky, my old pal. It seems that Dubya realy meens buisnes on the War on Drugs, implimenting the "Joint" Strike Fighter I mean... Yours, Al Mulliman [Very funny. You should take that act on the road! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, please tell your readers to check out JulySeventh.co.uk to see WHY the Blair government won't allow a full Publc Enquiry on what happened on July 7. Regards, N [Hey readers! Check out JulySeventh.co.uk to see WHY the Blair government won't allow a full Public Enquiry on what happened on July 7. How was that, N? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! I guess it makes sense for the CIA to shutter their bin Laden office, since he is only number four on the FBI's ten most wanted list! The 4th Horseman [Of course that's crazy, but what really shocked yer old pal Jerky was the Number One Most Wanted slot being occupied by none other than rust-encrusted prop comic Carrot Top! How the hell did THAT happen?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, Goddamnit man! For Jesu's sweet sake, change the Uglitron and free Don King from that woman's cooch! -- Baccus [Okay, but I'll leave her up for one more day, so people who haven't checked her out yet will know what you're referring to. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com